AND DONT JUST SAY IT’S GOOD! TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKED ABOUT IT.
AND GIVE ME YOUR SUGGESTIONS.
The Wing Hunter: Can you elaborate on this. I dont understand you.
You yourself is a BEST STORY !!!
yer setnces are too disjunct, invert some of them, words should flow, not be so consctructed (or at least not seem that way)
if you look at a piece of music its VERY structured, but when u listen to classical music you hear a fluid piece. one without apparent boundaries (even though there are many)
that makes it easy to read and seem more like a stream of conciousness, and makes it more enjoyable to me at least
The beginning is a little confusing, when she wakes up its almost like she thinks she should be there, then you have no idea why the woman that is speaking to her is a stranger. I would put some things in about how she had never been in the room before and it was strange, something like that just to clarify! Other than that, it really catches your attention, you did a great job of character development, I feel sorry for the little girl and hope she finds her way home! All in all, great flow of writing style, good description of the kitchen and characters, would love to find out what happens next! Good luck!
The beginning descriptive narration has many repetative words. You should also find other adjectives besides colors, or use more unique ones.
You often reuse the same sentance structure.
I walked here. She did this.
Try some more variation:
With a flick of his fingers, the cigarette lit.
Her delicious pancakes she cared for lovingly in the pan, so that they would match the golden morning.
Violet, the mother’s color, calmed the naive and bright nature of her daughter’s pink dress.
WOW! Chick that’s some good stuff. It was suspencful and kept me wondering what was gonna happen next. Like is the girl’s memory ever gonna come back? Is she gonna get reunited with her parents? That’s really good work and I like your writing style. Its easy to follow and understand. I wanna know where I can get more of this story from heck, I’d buy the book.
I would have read it all, but I didn’t have time. You were very descriptive and grabbed my interest at once. You seemed to have repetitive sentence structure, and made part of it a little draggish. I think with a little work and revision, you can make a great story.
long and I saw the word pancake